Unresolved Issues

Christmas can be a magical time of year but it can also be a difficult one for all sorts of reasons. Thoughts of the past can be a particular problem during this period, especially if we're obliged to meet those with whom we have unresolved issues. We may have managed to avoid these people all year long, but at Christmastime we finally run out of excuses. We are forced into their company over the plum pudding and crackers. There is no longer any escape.

Or perhaps we have thoughts of people with whom we have fallen out and whose departure from our lives we regret, people whose absence at Christmas we find particularly difficult. This can be even harder to deal with.

The approach of mainstream therapy is to investigate such difficult issues, with a view to bringing about some form of resolution, so that we can spend future Christmases and - most importantly - the rest of our lives, free from such ghosts from the past. This can be effective but it is time consuming, and especially if the therapist isn't up to the job, it can even be damaging. Digging around in the past can raise more problems than it solves.

Is there anything else which can be done about these unwelcome memories?

One of the most annoying thing about having negative thoughts about people who have wronged us in some way is that those people are entirely untouched by them. They carry on their lives in blissful ignorance of the fact that we wish them to be run over by a large truck, or to say they're sorry, or simply to understand the pain they have caused us. Even if we've made them aware that we have a problem with them, they're unlikely to feel the constant nagging ache of these thoughts which we carry around about them. It is only we who feel it constantly. It is we who suffer these thoughts, this burden of pain.

In other words, the only effect of our anger or hurt about these people - entirely justified though it may be - is to cause ourselves to suffer. If only we could just get rid of these feelings, we'd be doing ourselves a favor...

But how can we do it?

In some cases, especially if the root of the problem is recent, then it is possible to resolve things simply by talking things through with the person concerned. But if that person isn't willing to talk, or can't be made to understand, or simply doesn't care that they have hurt us, then we have to turn to something else. And it comes down to something I've talked about a lot in The Secret Of Life: acceptance.

What does 'acceptance' mean exactly? It doesn't mean that we have to pretend that the people concerned were right to do whatever they might have done to us. It doesn't mean that we have to try to rewrite history in our head. It simply means that we come to accept whatever happened happened, so that we can stop giving it valuable mind space and get on with the rest of our lives.

One powerful way to come to this is through the teachings of Byron Katie, as described in her book Loving What Is. Katie has developed a process of self-inquiry called 'The Work', which involves asking yourself four simple questions about the issue which is troubling you. A close friend of mine with intractable family problems has recently used this process very effectively to turn around the thoughts in her head in a matter of days.

Byron Katie's web site contains a lot of information about her teachings. The important information - including the four questions - is all there, though you may find it useful to also get hold of the book to enhance your understanding of her ideas.

Comments

[Sally]

Good post Simon and yes we waste so much time and energy replaying old grievances when those who have offended us are getting on with their lives regardless in many cases.
The Eckhart Tolle dvd I showed at the Stillness Group on Monday touched on this as Eckhart talked about the word "greivance.......related to grief....related to grave....heaviness) and we choose to continue carrying this to such an extent that we view that person through a veil each time we meet them. Aceeptance means we lighten up and what better time to look at this than Christmas. I wonder how many of us prepare for meeting certain family members with the thought in the back of our minds (or more likely the front!)....."well he/she'd better not start again!"
So here is wishing you all a very Happy (and a light hearted) Christmas!
In Stillness (on a good day anyway!)
Sally

[Mark]

I will check out the book. You are correct this can be a very hard season for many for the reasons that you stated. The key is living in the present and letting go of the past! Letting go is a great freedom!

[Secret Simon]

Thanks for reminding me of that DVD you played, Sally. Not reacting is so important, isn't it? I keep meaning to put a note by my bed: 'Don't react - reflect!'

All it needs is to take a moment to reflect and ask ourselves if we really need to react in our usual way to people who habitually annoy us. Most of the time it is a knee-jerk reaction which we can easily avoid if we take a deep breath and take a moment to think. And then, if we change our behavior, perhaps the other person will change too. They will certainly be confused! And perhaps out of that confusion, something wonderful will emerge. As Eckhart says on that DVD, miracles sometimes happen!

[Secret Simon]

Thanks for your comment, Mark. I am starting to believe that letting go and acceptance are *the* key to freedom!

[Sue Ann Edwards]

I think the phrase is:

"Until we come to terms with our past we have no future."

And the reason is:

Everything in our past made us who and what we are and if we're not comfortable with it, then we're not comfortable with ourselves, either. If we do not accept 'it', then we do not really accept ourselves.

I'm going to put the monkey where it belongs. If someone annoys me, then I am at fault for surrendering my power over my own reality and the responsibility that goes with it, FOR being annoyed. Or irritated. Or whatever. The fault, the failure, the lack lies within me, not the other person.

My mind goes back to a day I held my older sister in my arms as she wept. "I'm soooo sorry for being such a problem to everyone", she sobbed. "I've been trouble for other people all my life and now I'm trouble for you."

Our dad had died, leaving me to take care of our Mom, who had Altzheimer's and my older sister, who had been born labeled 'retarded'.

I held her and rocked her in my arms, telling her she had been the greatest Gift in my life. Because of her, I had learned Compassion, Tolerance, Acceptance, Patience and Understanding from an early age. For every quality of character I had within me, I had her to thank for it.

[Secret Simon]

Thanks so much for sharing this, Sue Ann. To understand that our most challenging situations and relationships are really an opportunity for growth is a wonderful key to open the door to acceptance.