The Need To Be Right

To see comments on recent posts, click here for Disorientation and here for The Image Within.

I once saw a couple arguing as they walked along the path at the side of a road. There were a lot of people ahead of them and progress was slow. The man became impatient and wanted to cross to the other side of the road, where the pavement was clear. His wife, however, wanted to stay where she was.

Eventually, the man couldn't wait any longer.

"Well I'm going to cross even if you won't!" he cried, and strode out rather angrily on his own. He went across to the opposite pavement, but his wife refused to follow. She could see that the crowds were starting to thin ahead of her.

Her husband called her to join him but she refused.

"There's no point!" she cried. "And look ahead of you, Gerry!"

She was looking at a hump-back bridge on the road ahead. As the pavement on Gerry's side approached the bridge, it first narrowed and then disappeared altogether.

Gerry saw this too but he only gritted his teeth. He had made his decision and he would damn well stick with it.  He carried on towards the bridge on the rapidly dwindling path.

"You'll get run over, Gerry!" his wife warned.

This was quite a reasonable prediction. As Gerry reached the end of the pavement, he had no choice but to step out into the road, and into the path of any oncoming cars on the low visibility bridge.

Bush and Blair would have been proud of him. In spite of the obvious folly of what he was doing, he stuck to his resolve. If he got run over, that would be unfortunate. But at least he wouldn't have had to admit he was wrong.  He lowered his head like a charging bull and stepped out into the road...

This need to be right is very deeply ingrained in us.  It's all part of the face that we show to the world.  We have to look the right way and wear the right clothes, do the right stuff and say the right things, all to impress other people - and of course we must never, ever be wrong, not for a moment.

Look at Gerry, who would rather be squashed flat on the tarmac than lose a stupid argument with his wife. Gerry is not unusual. In the heat of the moment, the need to be right can seem like the most important thing in the world, sometimes more important than life itself. This sort of thing is a common human pattern of thought - but isn't it also really a kind of madness?

Why do we feel the need to be right all the time? Do we think we're in some kind of competition? Do we want to end up in Trafalgar Square with pigeons all over us?

I think that secretly - and, in some cases, not so secretly - we do. We all want to be acknowledged for the wonderful person we know we are. Nothing wrong with that. But the trouble is we also want a bit more than that. We want to be acknowledged as being more wonderful than other people.

Few of us are greedy enough to want top billing, but most of us would like to be widely acknowledged as being more wonderful than most people - and certainly more than those people living next door.

The trouble is there's not enough relative wonderfulness to go round. If we all need to come near the top of the pile, then a lot of us are going to be disappointed. We've made the world into a talent contest, reality TV which we can't win. And the really ironic thing is this: ultimately, there aren't any viewers, so even if you win, no one's going to buy your CD.

There's one piece of good news though: Gerry survived.

And there's more good news next time...

 

These may also be of interest:

Disorientation

Comments

[Andy]

Many people get theselves into such a predicament about been right as they'd rather be right than be happy.

I have a friend who worked himself into depression with such an attitude (and I'm sure he's not the only one).

However, this can make an excellent spiritual practice in the form of body awareness such as Eckhart Tolle talks about. Watching inside while trying to be right (such as an argument) it can be felt clearly as a tightness inside; a struggle if you will.

[Secret Simon]

Would you like to expand on this, Andy? What would you do with that feeling of struggle? As I recall, Tolle would suggest that you simply observe it and by doing so, take a step back from it, so that you no longer identify with it so much. Then, as you watch, it will gradually fade away. The important thing is not to resist it, for that only strengthens such feelings.

[Andy]

There's a lot of subtleties to body awareness and 'watching the pain body' (as Tolle would put it) and really its a lot about experience.

The important thing to realise is that its the resistance/struggle that creates the problem not the situation and in the case of arguments its you struggling to defend or inflict your viewpoint.

Although noticing and watching the emotion is important an action is often required. In the case of an argument this is relatively simple - stop arguing. You often find yourself still thinking about it (or maybe even resuming the argument) but the rate it dissapears increases every time.

This is a great one for angry drivers as well (as the anger occurs so often). A friend of mine was always shouting and screaming at other drivers, pedestrians etc. Within a short period of this practice he only swore occasionally (for him).

[Sally C]

One fascinating point I have noticed in myself is that I often resist the urge to put my viewpoint to others in a discussion verbally. As I walk away I find my mind patting me on the back for not getting into the argument and telling me my view was right anyway.
It fascinates me how the mind likes to sneak in on this "presence thing" telling me when I lost it and when others lose it or playing out what I would have said had I not been present enough to resist the argument.
"Spirituality with a sense of humour" attracted me to this website. Watching the human mind doing what it does is hilarious.

[Secret Simon]

It is indeed ironic that when we realise we might be happier if we come to understand that we are part of something greater than our individual egos, the ego jumps up and down and says "Great! I can be good at that game! I can sublimate myself better than anyone else - I can, I can!" You have to give it brownie points for perserverance, haven't you? (Not to mention sheer pig-headed intransigence.)

[Simon]

I usually try to leave the various comments on these posts a day or so before responding to see what surfaces out of my brain, but I don't normally leave it as long as I have done with the October 31st contribution from Andy. Nevertheless I find myself asking now: if I take the action to stop arguing, where does this impetus come from? Do I stop arguing because I feel that this is the right thing to do? If so, aren't I suppressing my emotions? Isn't it better to simply observe and let them run their course? (As long as I don't actually hit anyone, that is.)

[Andy]

Simon,

The most valuable tool in 'the spirtual quest' is experimentation. Try something and observe the outcome....don't try it and observe the outcome...try it differently and observe the outcome.